I like meeting people that I can fastforward past the reserved respect and polite and go straight to the “finer” details of raw uncut, unedited honest to goodness speech. A quality occurrence that I’m realizing that I took for granted as “normal” before.

I have met a good handful of new faces the past month but not yet have I felt comfortable nor ready to cut loose and let the whole spectrum of my personality show past the annoyingly squeaky clean image they have already created for me.

Which is either the soft spoken, a bit too polite asian girl or the quiet shy yet bubbly one.

A genunine image to which I realize I helped put upon myself but still…mannnn oh mann does it set me up for being coddled or underestimated. The sucky part being the latter. lol.

But it does, I suppose give me the arms length away distance that I feel is needed.

I no longer want to be in the same position of being too trusting and too attached too fast.

“Anything is possible”

“Possible.”

vs

“Probable.”

Now and Then.

Your words keep replaying in my head…and I can’t fucking sleep. I’m trying to draw lines from the points you mapped out for me in  A B to all the way to fucking L M N O P…and I’m trying earnestly to make sense of it. What stands out to me and burns bright in the midst of the whole thought process in my mind is the fact that even you yourself fears what you’re capable of doing. And the fears you place on me? Just mere reflections of the fear you have on what you yourself have already thought of and can see yourself being tempted and capable of one day doing given that the variables and unforeseeable yet liable overlying factors are lined up. What situation, what influence, what circumstance and what exact encounter you’ll need to give you the final push, to drive you to do it…I don’t and apparently I won’t…know. 

There’s no pure sadness, anger, or apprehension to the thought. Rather…it’s a collective consciousness/awakening that only pushes me to love all the more genuinely. Cherish each moment that is given since it can be easily taken as the last. I can not afford to risk hope in the case it blinds me to disillusion. 

Instead, I find myself once again alone, writing 2am thoughts and learning how to better dispel the negative thoughts that I’ve grown accustom to battling with alone. With or without you. For better or worse. Learning how to draw strength from within to not only carry myself. But the both of us. 

This feeling…it’s all too familiar. 

It’s not that I’m no longer not allowed…it’s just a matter of handling things or so I’ve learned tonight. It’s the restlessness in me that makes me spontaneously reckless in the pursuit of freedom and it’s that very same driving force that makes me pace around my set perimeters. I feel the love wedged inbetween the words of worry and anger resonate loud and clear. and it’s that same love that subsides the restlessness long enough for me to see the situation with clarity. I see my simple mistake in your eyes and the guilt I feel towards making you worry so after a long day of work is just the by product of my tendency to run free towards the first sign of an open road, a detour or an exit. I don’t know how to explain it to you of all people  how sometimes I want to escape, and not look back for just a little and just breathe in a moment. 

Without any text messages, missed calls and curfews or thoughts of what I should be and where exactly I should be to please another. 

I don’t know how to explain this to someone who still persistently sees me as the child that learned how to walk too soon, too fast. I don’t know how to explain this to someone that complains of the child that loves too fiercely, too convincingly and who also (to top it off), lusts to live too freely and without any anchors… when it was you that I took after.

I truly don’t know. 

But I can still try.

bangs or no bangs. the constant dilemma.

And just like that,

Everything seems to be happening all at once.

I’m so late.

But Teen Wolf episodes are pretty much taking up my Thursday night time. its good.

Andddd more importantly? the main kid on Teen Wolf…is just so goddamn cute.

Tried to resist it but damn. Haha