I hate how no matter how much time has passed, some insecurities never fade, no matter how convinced you are that they have. Years may have passed, the thought may have long settled in the back corners of your cluttered mind but it’s crazy how a few words fashioned in the right demeaning light, can knock you over and make you feel as vulnerable as you were before. Regardless of it being intentional or unintentional, one minute you’re up, the next you’re torn. It’s as instant and startling as a flick of a switch. A Roller-coaster ride of a lifetime. You think the drops have ceased, but they only continue to get steeper. And the churning feeling in your stomach that you think you’ve long gotten used to? It only intensifies with each recurring drop.
And the unexpected yet noticeable shift/crack in that self esteem or stability that you took months or maybe even years to accomplish is enough to make you sick.
One of these days, I’d like to say these three words and sincerely mean it.
I love how you say the darnest things that honestly, makes my blood boil like no other. I love how you lack tact, that you’re overwhelmingly condescending to the point where you can silence a room of shit talkers when you open that mouth of yours. I love how you seem to have an arsenal of words, locked and loaded, ready to slip off of that tongue at the drop of a hat. But most of all I love the fact that in between those unnecessary words of hatred, ingeniously stringed together to do damage, there lies some truth. The hard cold truth, but the truth nonetheless. I guess that’s why I can tolerate you and your forthright statements that others generally take up the ass. Since in a sense, I admire you. I admire the way you say certain things that may sting but are meant to spark a forgotten determination or cast a light to a perspective long lost in the constant drone of others. I admire the way you continue to regard me as a more than worthy adversary. As someone who can keep up with you, inch by inch.
So..with this renewed determination, natural stubbornness and insatiable lust to watch you eat your words—-I’m more than ready, willing and able to excel above and go beyond your expectations. If this is a game, then by all means take the first move.
Time to nut up or shut up.
If anything or anyone is of importance to you like you say they are: make time, not empty lies and excuses. If it really matters to you then you better try your damn well hardest to make the effort, no matter how small. Otherwise, whenever it is that you finally decide to make time, there won’t be anything or anyone to make time for.
This applies to everyone in your life. More specifically: the ones that you take for granted. Not your boyfriend/girlfriend, or your friends but your family, your parents.
The theme for tonight. haha It’s been awhile since I’ve pulled an all-nighter but its safe to say that thankfully I’m still as efficient as ever. Gotta admit though, I’ve forgotten how draining these bad boys are, not to mention stressful. But in a sense I’m grateful. Despite all the dark circles and the mind-numbing headaches I’m bound to experience/gain come tomorrow, I’m grateful that I have a chance at this: an education.That’s something that can’t be said for alot of people. People, or should I say kids who would probably give anything to take my place at this moment despite the sight of me: textbook sprawled out with pages wrinkled from previous drool puddles, eyes bloodshot, madly sipping on a close to empty venti caramel frappuccino as I try to commit every bit of info to memory—-just to have a shot at inevitably shaping their futures, their dreams, their horizons. It’s an opportunity that has (although proven itself time and time again to bothersome and to say the least mundane) left me feeling like one of the luckiest people alive. I just have to remind myself that in the end, it’ll all be worth it.
However, this doesn’t change the fact that bio 196 can seriously go suck my left ovary. And that come tomorrow I’ll undoubtly look like a friggin raccoon. Oh joy.