- Running around in just my bra in the comfort of my home
- Running around free and bra-less in a comfy oversized shirt in the comfort of my home.
Two luxuries that I will no longer be able to do for the next two months…If my bewbs could cry they would.
As of late, despite its usual bipolar and rather strange tendencies, Vegas weather has been downright beautiful: with the extra heaping of sunshine and a slight breeze to counterbalance the warmth of the sun, with the right tint of blue in the sky and gold in the leaves that makes for an exceptionally good day to just lay out and soak up whatevers out there. Which is what I have been doing, moving my study space and spending most of my downtime outside, in our backyard blasting music and trying my best to get some work done without feeling stifled and locked up indoors. Sometimes even treating myself with some paint/sketch sessions or laying out with a good read when studying becomes redundant or useless. This weather has provided me with a good amount of fresh air and perspective and a relatively small dose of peace of mind but at the same time it has only magnified some nostalgic feelings of the past—- for the easier, more carefree days; as well as raise some angst and tension in me. I can’t always temporarily relieve my wanderlust or longings of personal freedom and space in this household by just escaping to my backyard and making do with what space I have within these four walls. I realize that my desires to go places, seek some sort of adventure and at times solitude are not desires or phases built from some sort of delayed rebellion on my part.
I realize that my urge for freedom is not a want, it’s a need.
Unless it’s a token of speacial occasion or good thought, I don’t like having things given to me for free. I like working hard in order to earn. I like the feeling of something well-deserved. It gives me a sense of struggle, a sense of give in order to take, and a sense of utmost gratitude. It’s the only way I can trust myself to not take anything for granted and appreciate what I have to the fullest of my capabilities.
Is just about the hardest thing to do as of now. Not that it was ever easy to begin with but at this “fresh-faced” yet not so young to be called a teenager age of 19…waiting is more or less a pain in the fucking ass. A year ago or so, I was 18, waiting to get out of high school/ the ass crack of society and eager to have my life kick start/begin. I was confident that I would easily establish myself and that college would just be my springboard to the idyllic life at the end of that long term “pursuit of happiness” that society, as well as my imagination packaged and magnified for my eager eyes throughout the years. That gold pot at the end of that rainbow; that steady occupation, that lifetime partner, those cute kids, that nice home and that personal plane/jetpack, I guess. I truly believed that all this schooling, working, waiting and wishing would naturally, or inevitably lead up to my own guaranteed happily ever after ending. And college would just be the prelude to that rather orchestrated and rather grand ending. Call me naive, but a year ago or so, I truly believed that. Fast forward a year or so forward to now and I’m here. And to be quite frank, I’m not exactly sure where “here” is.
Everything and everyone that I had counted on to be here are nowhere to be found. Feelings or relations, romantic or not, ebb and burn out. Convictions and dreams morph and shift through time. And clear cut routes are filled with off road detours and dead ends.
So, I’m stuck here waiting, just getting by with what I have and making the best of what the day or night offers me. They say that “Good things happen to those who wait”, but no one ever said anything about meeting those good things halfway. Fuck this idle waiting and thumb twiddling. I’m not going to pause or put my life on hold to find you but trust, I’m working my way towards you. Wherever, whoever, you are. The timing this time around just has to be right and this time, the wait will be worth it.